Really Screaming on the Inside

well i stopped blogging. so many reasons so much time...

there was a little domestic squabbling and then there were the three years of back taxes and that enormous To Do List but i got through those things and i still couldn't write.

i'm apoplectic

i really am screaming on the inside.

i think part of the problem with growing up as a military brat is that there was always this knowledge that every three years i would move and have this opportunity to start over, clean the slate and remake myself. it was truly the only upside. the downside was the extistential angst that came from feeling like everyone but my immediate family died every three years -- or the puppets were put back in their boxes and new puppets were taken out.

but that upside. it was not unlike being born again without all the smiling. it does ingrain this pattern of running away and tendency toward escapism that i would imagine could lead one to drug abuse or alcoholism ... maybe? who knows. for me it's creating this huge anxiety because i'm wondering where the hell i'm going to run to now that we are truly living in a banana republick.

yep. that's what i said.

don't believe me? check out these sites:

this one will tell you about the Florida Dept. of Law Enforcement dropping in on elderly black folks to ask them about their get-out-the-vote efforts (i used the der spiegel link since the ny times link might need a subscription)

meanwhile, if you've ever demonstrated against the president or the war or plan to demonstrate or thought about demonstrating or know anyone who is demonstrative you might want to make sure your doorbell's in working order too. looks like the FBI's dropping in on "political demonstrators" too. (again, here's the alternate nytimes link)

i would go on but i'm just so proud to be an american right now that i can't stand it

Screaming at the Big Apple

Hey! Why the fuck is the West Hollywood Gay and Lesbian Gay Pride Festival called "Christopher Street West?" What the fuck is that all about? Why doesn't WeHo get it's own Gay Pride fest?

New York is a sham. Everything about it is bogus. EVERYTHING in NYC is unnecessarily a pain in the ass. We moved there in 2001 and every time we told someone that we had just relocated from L.A. they'd say "Why'd you do that?" Everybody said it. The postman, the security guy at the library, the librarian, the people at the unions, the people at the temp agencies, even the people running the building where we got the great one-bedroom, 40th floor, river view apartment with a terrace (balcony) and parking for $525 a month. Of course our friends didn't ask us because our friends weren't really talking to us since we had such a great deal on the apartment. Seems that being on the waiting list for 16 years didn't really mean we EARNED it.

And then there was that lovely period after 9-11 when we got to live through the anthrax scares. I was particularly disturbed the day that a child of one of the employees at NBC was possibly infected by anthrax sent to tom brokaw. I remember seeing a report on the news that night where they were questioning a bunch of NBC employees who had to also be tested. One guy said it was no big deal to be tested for anthrax because it was "just life in the big city." Right. Go screw yourself. You all think you're so civilized. The rest of the country doesn't live on top of each other like rats in shoe boxes or have raging alcohol problems because the only place to socialize is in bars since their apartments don't hold more than two people at a time. The rest of the country doesn't have to take a cab or a subway or walk 20 blocks to see something green or hear a bird sing. "life in the big city" sucks big donkey dicks. And if you think that having money would make it all better then you're just a bad liberal, because if you are going to spend all that money to live a life that would be marginal in any other city then you're being duped. move to the burbs and give all that extra cash to your local boys and girls club.

Screaming that silent scream

I first heard of the "silent scream" from the anti-choice folks. And you can hear their one true anthem here: It's called the "Diary of an Unborn Child" by Li'l Markie. Be careful it's maniacally manipulative in the way only music really can be. I love this song poem. You have to listen to the very end. And if that does it for you the way it does it for me then you must check out "Diary of an Unborn Duck." Your life doesn't get much better than this... unless you get adopted by a family who really loves you.

Screaming at the Believers

Tomorrow is the National Day of Prayer! Woo hoo!

as an atheist with a strong christian upbringing, i read about the "freedom five" tenets we should be praying for and i think, "well if they pray for the cabinet and the leaders and the media to do the 'right' thing, they should be careful what they ask for." the god i was taught about was loving and just. however the gay bashing stuck right there in the middle of their prayers for education is loathesome.

it's funny. i happen to be a drama teacher and i happen to be directing fifth graders in a play about tolerance of others that is thinly-veiled appreciation of "differences" (ie: homosexuality!!!!) it looks like jesus is working His miracles thru me right now! i know my students are loving and open and caring. just yesterday when one was acting out and the others were reprimanding him two leapt to his defense with "it's the responsibility of all of us, we're a team, an ensemble." what awful socialist values! i'm so evil! i'll spread my insideous agenda one small child at a time! mwhahahahahaha!

Screaming at Laura Bush

Dear Mrs. Bush,

I fully expect this letter to never be seen by you. However, I am a teacher and one of the more essential lessons I try to teach my students is to always ask for what they want. I work with children who come from families very different from yours or mine. It is not always easy for them to ask for anything.

And although I am a teacher, in my heart I am really an actor. I worked professionally for years but the passion in the pursuit has dimmed for me since my husband and I left New York City after September 11th.

The reason I come to write to you is that I am currently acting in a late night political comedy about the times we live in and I happen to be playing you. It’s possible that I only got the role because my husband is a good impressionist and is playing your husband. It tickles me that I am riding my husband’s coattails into the role of a first lady. “Behind every great man ... “

So, in researching my role, I have been trying to understand you. I’ve read some short biographies and scanned the web for any info I can find. I’ve found out that we share some things in common. It’s possible that we attended the same Girl Scout camp in West Texas. I don’t remember the name of the one I attended but I grew up in San Angelo. We also both call all sodas “cokes,” which I picked up on in one book about you.. Little things like that, we have in common. Other than little idiosyncracies and the same landscaped memories we share there’s probably not too much. I was a fourth generation military brat. My grandparents were dirt poor. Really. My grandfather grew up the son of evangelical ministers in the Stockyards of Ft. Worth and had to drop out of school to join the Army simply for the clothing they provided. And although we didn’t have money, I had friends who were debutantes and junior leaguers. I also worked at the yacht club in high school so I, too, was attracted to those handsome, leisure class boys.

What I would like to ask you is for you to help me understand: what makes you tick? I just can’t grasp it. I don’t understand how you can live with yourself. You were a teacher. You must have seen how important education is to each and every child, how innocent they are in the directions their lives take. How can you let the safety net that is our social contract, our government, our infrastructure and our investment in the future in the form of taxes just fall away? My husband thinks that your husband just doesn’t understand what it’s like to live without a safety net so he doesn’t realize the value of it. But you seem different.

This is just one area where you baffle me. Tonight on PBS you were quoted speaking about our responsibility for the fate of Afghani women after our nation’s actions there. You spend every day with a man who could change the course of history for so many, undo so much harm and it appears that you do nothing. Again, I ask myself, how does she live with herself?

As I said, I don’t expect you to read this. But if by some strange twist of fate you do, please answer me. As an actor I am trained to believe that you can’t play a villain without understanding their motives. And I don’t see you as a villain. You seem so intelligent and strong. I just want to understand how you can live with yourself.

Sincerely,


SM

Screaming on the radio

I just got off the phone with the Free Speech Show. The conversation went something like this:

FSP: Next we have J from Hollywood. J what do you have to say about this situation with the president.

J: Well I’ll tell you why Bush reminds you of that creepy evangelist Tilton. Because they both run their companies or country like a pyramid scheme.

FSP: You’re right, they work to get their rich cronies richer. Do you know this guy Tilton?

J: Oh, yeah. I’m from there. Tilton is the head of the Fort Worth / Dallas Bible college. My born-again, drug-dealing boyfriend from high school ended up going there.

(laughter)

FSP: Did he deal to Tilton?

J: Oh, I don’t know about that, but he was completely unreliable. I never knew when I was going to be able to buy pot from him because he kept vacillating between being a dealer and then getting Jesus. But he always came back around to the pot.

FSP: Well, J, tell us how you are doing better under George Bush. What has improved for you in the last four years.

J: Oh, I don’t know… I guess the fear, yeah the fear has gotten really good.

(laughter)

FSP: Yeah, the fear! The adrenaline.

J. Yeah the adrenaline is really pumping. It’s Scare-obics! I should be losing weight. My heart beat has definitely raised, I’m breathing heavier. This is major cardio!

(laughter)

J: I mean the thing is, like I said, I’m from Texas. I can recognize the type. George Bush is a country club bully. He’s the kind of rich kid that goes around being a dick but daddy bails him out all the time and pays for his mistakes -- but usually those guys don’t succeed. Something’s wrong here!

FSR: Yeah, if this were Caddyshack he would be the Ted Knight character.

J: Yeah. I know this is going to make me sound crazy but it’s almost like some time traveller has come from the future and changed something so that he would be president. It’s freakish, the path that we’ve taken. It’s like a tear in the space-time continuum.

(laughter)

FSR: Hey that doesn’t sound crazy.

J: Really? Well now I’m scared of you guys. See the fear is definitely improving.

(laughter)

J: The other thing about Bush that I can’t take: I can listen to him on the radio but I can’t stand to watch him on television because I can’t stand to have someone look at me and lie to my face.

Screaming at the Asshole Neighbor with the two Miatas

I REALIZE THAT THINKING OF OTHERS IS PROBABLY VERY FOREIGN TO YOU SINCE YOU’VE BEEN KNOWN TO BLOCK THE ENTIRE PARKING LOT TO EVERYONE IN THE PAST, BUT COULD YOU POSSIBLY CONSIDER THE FACT THAT SOME OF YOUR NEIGHBORS MIGHT BE SLEEPING RIGHT ABOVE YOUR CAR THE NEXT TIME YOU GET IN IT AT MIDNIGHT AND TURN THE STEREO UP FULL VOLUME? HOW SELFISH CAN YOU BE?!

I CAN COMPLAIN TO MRS. J IF I HAVE TO BUT I WOULD PREFER NOT TO. UNLIKE YOU, I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR HER AND DON’T WANT TO PUT HER IN AWKWARD SITUATIONS -- LIKE YOU DO EVERYTIME YOU PARK WHERE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO OR PULL SOME OTHER ASSHOLE MANEUVER.

WAKE UP! STOP BEING SO RUDE! YOU ARE A NARCISSIST. THE WHOLE WORLD IS NOT HERE JUST TO SERVE YOU. OPEN YOUR EYES! LOOK AROUND YOU! THINK!